The Curse of the Burg
by SpiffyLucylu
Summary: What would happen if a refugee had to spend some quality time with our favorite families in Trenton? Always a Babe!
1. Chapter 1

**Margaret told me about Pope Francis' edict and we couldn't help but laugh. What would happen if a refugee was dropped into the middle of the Burg? Here's our take on it, we hope you enjoy. This story will probably run three chapters. Let us know what you think, we love hearing from you!**

 **PS - All the Characters you recognize belong to JE. The mistakes are ours.**

 **Morning Edition Trenton Times:**

Pope Francis Tells Catholic Clergy: Take In Refugees, Or Pay Taxes Like Everyone Else

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Father Matt, the Parish Priest of Our Lady of Sorrow Church, met the gaze of each of the members that would be most likely to help the Church in this time of need.

"Ahem," clearing his throat to quiet down the gossipers, he began by leading them in prayer and a joyful song.

It was afterwards he got down to business. "Our Catholic Leader Pope Francis has made it very clear to all the churches everywhere that we're to take in refugees or we'll end up losing our tax exempt status. Lord knows we need that status to continue operations."

Mutterings were heard by Father Matt, most of all the 'why me?' of a certain person followed by a 'what a pip of a time we'll have!' which led him to regret calling the Plum home.

 _ **'Suck it up and get this over with,'**_ he more or less thought to himself.

"So, we've taken in a man who needs to be hosted for awhile until Hamilton Township can take him for a longer period of time. All we need to do is show he was with members of our parish and we're good for the tax dodge, **_I mean tax exempt status."_**

Father Matt continued on, pacing back and forth as he shot baleful glances at those he chose to help the church out.

"I've got a list of when to expect your 'guest' and I'll ask you to show him around town like he was a visiting member of your family. Take him to the store, maybe the park. A movie shouldn't be out of the question as some of you have young children, that would also be good for interactions, as he'll be married once he and his fiancee' find aslyum somewhere in the United States."

"Pick me! Pick me! Why, we've got an extra bedroom just sitting there, it would be ideal for him to stay just with us," Helen said jumping up almost vibrating with excitement over the prospect of a **_single man_** for a house guest. 'Who knows,' she thought to herself, 'sometime or another Stephanie is bound to show up for a meal or something.' Never giving a thought to the fact the man had a fiancee' waiting to be reunited with the refugee.

"Nonsense, why Helen Plum you should be ashamed of yourself. Yes I know that look on your face, you're going to try to get the man and Stephanie together aren't you? I've seen it before when you and I tried to get her and my son married off. Forget the Plum home Father, I've got extra bedrooms as well," Angie Morelli told everyone.

"Um Father, you know Eddie and I have a extra bedroom as well. The boys have doubled up in the two rooms so we're open to taking your young man in. Maybe he'll see how fun it is to have children in America. We do have wifi and all the trappings he can get used to," Shirley Gazzarra said.

"Actually, all three of your families have been selected to help the Parish out in our time of need."

"Angie, you can expect Saul at your house tomorrow morning at 8 am sharp. Please treat him like you would a member of your family. But, whatever you do, don't let him run around with that boy of yours, Joseph. It's been quite the scandal since he lost his job and all. In all my years of treating the poor and downtrodden, I've never seen anyone so depressed over his ahem, unfortunate condition that everyone is talking about, that and his drinking."

"Father! No one can prove he has genital warts," Angie said with her face turning red in humilation. In a more subdued voice she continued, "But of course Saul will be more than welcome in my home. I can take him shopping for clothes, poor man doesn't have much I'm assuming."

"Thank you Angie for your support, the Church is glad to leave Saul in your care for two days and nights. Then onto the Plum home for the next two, followed by Shirley and Eddie's home for his last days and nights with us. **_Remember, treat him like family."_** As the three families left, Father Matt crossed his fingers and raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Lord, I hope that this experience teaches each of them some humility. They're going to need all the help they can get."

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Angie Morelli woke up early monday morning and spent her time cleaning. By the time Father Matt knocked on the door at 8 am, every surface of the house gleamed. She straightened a nonexistent wrinkle from her apron and opened the door. "Father Matt, how nice to see you. Please come in."

She looked at the man who followed Father Matt into her home. He was a few inches under 6 feet tall, and looked extremely gaunt. Angie plastered a smile on her face and gently took his arm. "You must be Saul. My name is Angie and I'm just thrilled to have you here." She led him towards the kitchen. "You must be starved after your journey. Let's get you something to eat."

After coffee and danish, Father Matt stood to leave. "I'll be back to pick him up on Wednesday morning. Remember, he doesn't speak much English, but try to make him feel like family."

Angie took Saul and Bella to the Quakerbridge mall. At the shoe store, There was a long line of customers waiting to be rung up. Bella looked at the people in line and singled out her victim. "Myrna Sklar, what a surprise. Is your boy Marty still trying to find a 'woman'?" When she first started to talk, half the people in line dropped their purchases and ran for the door. Myrna stood still with a deer in the headlights look. "Would you like me to fix his problem for him?" when she said that, she pointed to her eye, implying that she was going to curse him. When she did that, the rest of the customers cleared out of the store in record time. Saul watched from the corner of his eye as Angie crossed herself.

Myrna shook her head, horrified. "No, thank you, Bella. Lovely to see you, sorry, I have to run." As she was talking, she started backing towards the entrance. She set off the anti-theft alarm before she realized that she was still holding the shoes that she forgot to pay for. When an employee came over to help her, she thrust the shoes at him and ran.

With an evil cackle of laughter Angie, Bella, and a rather surprised Saul paid for their shoes in an empty store.

Their next stop was Sears. This time Bella found Evelyn Nagy in line. "Evelyn, I hear your daughter won't be needing any of the products she makes for a while, no?" Instead of running this time, customers stopped and whipped out cell phones to record what could be an interesting conversation. Everyone knew that Evelyn's daughter worked at the personal products plant. "Is she still seeing her supervisor? I heard he was married."

Evelyn broke down in tears and fled from the store. Once she was gone, Bella looked around at the assembled crowd. As soon as she started to pull down her lower eyelid, everyone else ran for cover while Angie once again crossed herself. Once they were alone, Angie turned to Bella and said, "That was good gossip, why did you go and waste it?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "I heard you tell Helen about that last week. If Helen knows, then everyone knows. That woman can't keep her mouth closed." Once again, there was no line at the register.

Once they were finished at the mall, they stopped by Giovinccini's for some deli meat. Bella pushed Angie and Saul out of her way when she saw Stephanie Plum at the counter. "You broke my Joey's heart for the last time! I'm gonna curse you good!"

She was already pulling her eyelid down and Angie was beginning to cross herself when Stephanie looked over at her. She folded her arms across her chest and said, "You've already cursed me twice this week. I told you that Joe and I broke up a year ago so if he's heartbroken you should check and see if any strippers left town suddenly."

There was a collective gasp throughout the deli. Bella's eyes went as wide as saucers. She gasped and sputtered then said, "You're the devil!" Bella spit over her shoulder. "If I had my gun here..."

"Joe took your gun away from you the last time you shot at me, didn't he?" Since she and Joe were still dating at the time, she knew that he did. She also knew that he hid it in the property room at the TPD so she couldn't get it back. Gina handed Stephanie her order, so she walked to the register. "Have a nice day, Bella. Go find someone else to terrorize."

When they left the deli, Angie drove over to Joe's house. They walked in to find Joe sprawled across the couch in sweatpants, with pizza boxes and dirty laundry everywhere. Joe looked up when they walked in and said, "Ma, I'm out of ham." Just as she was patting the bag she held, Saul walked out from behind her. "Who the hell is this?"

Angie picked her way to the kitchen. "This is Saul. He's a refugee from Syria. Father Matt wants to show him what life in America is like, so of course he's staying with me. I've got your ham right here, along with some other things from the deli."

Angie and Bella walked towards the kitchen and Joe looked Saul over. Shaking his head he asked, "So, how do you like being a Morelli?"

Saul shrugged his shoulders. "Is confusing. The old lady points at her eye a lot, and Mrs. Morelli crosses herself."

Joe snorted out a laugh. "Grandma Bella loves scaring the crap out of people, and Ma's just protecting herself." He finished off the beer he was holding and set it on the table with all the other empties. He pushed a pizza box off of the recliner and nodded at the seat. "Take a load off and watch the game. The Mets are up by two and Ma will bring out lunch in a minute."

Angie brought them sandwiches and cleaned up the mess while Joe taught Saul the finer points of Baseball. By the time they left he still didn't know much about the game, but he did learn how to curse at the umpires. After the game they went home and Angie made Eggplant Parmesan for dinner. The dish was a lot different than the maqlubbeh he was used to at home, but it tasted good and Angie was thrilled when he asked for seconds.

By the time everyone went to bed, Saul was exhausted. He was also pretty sure that the whole family was crazy, but he kept that opinion to himself. He was just starting to fall asleep when his door opened. Joe stood there drinking a beer. He looked at Saul and said, "Shit, you aren't going to sleep now, are you? Get dressed and come downstairs, but don't wake Ma up."

Saul did as he was told and found Joe in the kitchen, eating some of the leftover dinner. Joe made a face, but finished the piece he was eating. Once he was done he said to Saul, "Frigging eggplant."

Saul winced but said, "It is very different than how my Ola prepares it back home, but it is not bad."

Joe shrugged. "You married?"

Saul shook his head no. "We are to be married as soon as Ola arrives."

Joe snorted. "I'm sure getting married is fine and all, but you want to see everything that's out there before you commit. Of course, the wife will cook, clean, and raise the kids, but you need to find someone to take care of your needs."

Saul looked puzzled. "Ola will take care of my needs."

Joe laughed quietly. "Okay, Saul. Uncle Joe is going to teach you what it really means to be a Morelli man. It's time to get you a Goomah, and I know just the place."

As they were walking out the door Saul asked, "What's a Goomah, and where are we going?"

Joe smiled and clapped him on his back. "You'll see. To the Boobie Bungalow."


	2. House of the rising Plum

**Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews! You are the best! It's time for Saul to head over to the Plum household... I wonder what's going to happen there?**

 **One more chapter to go from here... I wonder what's going to happen when he gets to the Gazarra household?**

 **Same disclaimer as always goes here...**

On Wednesday, at 8:00 sharp, Father Matt and a very tired Saul walked up the front steps to the Plum house. Helen and Edna were standing at the door waiting for them. "Come in, come in." Helen beamed at them while ushering them inside. Not wanting to be outdone by Angie Morelli, Helen had spent the previous night and most of the morning making sure her house was absolutely spotless. There were fresh baked cinnamon rolls and a pot of coffee waiting for them in the kitchen.

Once again Father Matt left after eating. As Helen walked him to the door, he gave her a small warning, "Don't forget that his fiancee is coming over here as soon as he is settled down."

Helen's hand fluttered around her neck. "Why father, of course I know that. I wouldn't dream of standing between a man and his true love." She just neglected to mention that she wanted to see if her daughter could be his true love. Father Matt gave her a look that said he wasn't sure, but he left. Helen walked back into the kitchen where Edna had given their guest another cinnamon roll. Picking up her coffee, Helen asked, "Is there anything you would like to do today?"

Before Saul could say anything, Edna told them, "I want to go to Ellie DiFazio's viewing this morning, then I have an appointment at the Clip 'N' Curl. The girls are dying to hear all about our mysterious new houseguest." She winked at Saul. Helen took a sip from a tumbler that she told him contained tea.

Having nothing better to do, the three of them climbed into Helen's Buick and drove to the funeral home. Edna kept up a running commentary on the way. "I wonder if she's going to have an open casket. I hear she lost 50 pounds in the last month, it'd be a shame not to be able to see that."

Helen shook her head, "Mother, if she has a closed casket, you are NOT to even attempt to open it. Do you hear me?"

Edna blew her a raspberry. "I want to see how good of a job their new makeup artist does. When I go I don't want somebody painting me up like a circus clown, I want to look natural." Helen looked at her mother, whose lipstick was smeared a little, and was wearing too much blush, but didn't comment. "Besides, I'm old, I got rights. I wonder if George is still wearing that horrible wig he's had for the last fifty years. I may have to console the poor widower, but I don't know if I want to do that when he's wearing a dead racoon on top of his head." Helen crossed herself and parked in front of the funeral home.

When they got out of the car, Edna leaned heavily on Saul's arm. He asked her if she was ok and she replied, "I'm fine. All the ladies around here are checking you out, so I'm letting them know that you're with me." Saul looked vaguely ill, but Edna patted his hand and kept pulling him forward.

They walked to slumber room number two and Edna led them to seats a few rows back. Helen said, "I thought you wanted to speak to Mr. DiFazio."

Edna rolled her dentures around in her mouth. "Nah. He's using a walker, there's no way he'd be able to keep up with me. I'll let one of the other girls have him. At least there's an open casket, so I'll pay my respects before we leave." She leaned in to Saul and said, "I've decided that I'm going to have me a closed casket. Won't that be a hoot?" At Saul's confused look she said, "Halfway through the service, I'm gonna have the organist start playing 'Pop Goes The Weasel' over and over again until everyone is staring at the casket with mute, horrified facination. It'll be a pip!" Saul didn't know what a 'pip' was, but when Edna started humming the song that she was referring to, and he realized what she was talking about, he crossed himself at the horror of the idea. After a few minutes, Edna got up and walked to the casket. She looked inside, then said something to the man sitting nearby. Pleased with herself, Edna gathered Helen and Saul, and headed for the cookies.

While Edna was at the beauty parlor, Helen took Saul over to the grocery store, the bank, and the liquor store. As she picked up the bottle of Jack Daniels she muttered, "Here's mama's special tea." When they were finished with their shopping they picked Edna back up and went home.

Saul went upstairs to his room to rest while Helen started dinner and Edna went to surf the internet. When he woke up, it was starting to get dark, and the house smelled like cooking meat. He went downstairs, but stopped when he heard voices coming from the kitchen.

"Mom, why are there five settings at the table? I thought we agreed that you weren't going to try to set me up again."

"Nonsense," Helen replied. "The fifth setting is for Saul, a refugee we have taken in to help the church."

"You've taken in a refugee?"

"Yes, the church asked for volunteers in its time of need, so of course I stepped up to help."

"And you're not trying to set us up on a date?"

Helen tsk'ed. "For heaven's sake Stephanie, the man has a fiancee back in Syria."

The voices were getting closer to the door, so Saul hurried on to the living room. There was a man there, sitting in a recliner and watching TV. "You Saul the refugee?" he asked?

"Yes, sir."

"You watch baseball?"

"I have recently learned about the game."

Frank nodded. "Good. Have a seat. The women will call us to dinner at 6:00." Saul and Frank watched baseball in a companionable silence, broken only when one of the men felt the need to yell at the umpire.

At 6, Helen called the men to the table. When he got there, he met the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had curly brown hair, sapphire blue eyes, and a warm smile. Helen got straight to the introductions. "Saul, this is my daughter, Stephanie Plum. Stephanie, this is Saul. He'll be staying with us for a couple of days."

Stephanie smiled a little brighter and said, "It's nice to meet you, Saul. How do you like Trenton so far?"

Saul could feel the beginning of a blush. "Is different. I am learning much about American customs."

Stephanie and Saul talked throughout the meal. Grandma interrupted a few times to tell him about the time they set fire to the dinner table, or to ask Stephanie if she blew up any cars lately, but Saul kept his attention glued to Steph. Amazingly, they got through the meal almost without incident until dessert was served. As they were eating the pineapple upside down cake, what could only be described as a foghorn sounded from Grandma Mazur's seat. Everyone looked at her in shock but she said, "Come on. I've been good all day. If I didn't let that out, I was going to explode." Helen took a healthy drink of her 'Tea'.

Saul looked at Stephannie, but she had her head down, shaking slightly. Feeling bad he said, "Is okay. Do not be upset."

Stephanie picked her head up, and it was obvious that she had been laughing. Her eyes were shiny with tears and she shook with the effort of holding everything in. When he saw her, he started to laugh, too. Dessert was finished quickly, and Saul walked Stephanie to the door. Stephanie shook Saul's hand and told him, "It was nice meeting you, Saul. I hope you enjoy your stay in Trenton. If my family starts to get on your nerves, ask Grandma to give me a call and I'll try to come rescue you."

After she left, he went back to the living room to watch the rest of the game with Frank. As he passed the kitchen, he heard Helen Say, "Miriam Zowicki's mother doesn't embarass her like that. Why can't I have a normal mother? Why me?"

That night, he woke up to the familiar sounds of rocks hitting his window. He dressed quickly and met Joe in the Plum's back yard. He asked, "I thought I was no longer a Morelli?"

Joe handed him a beer. "You spent the whole day with Helen Plum. I figure you need a drink. Besides, we're supposed to hook up with Bubbles and Kitty tonight. You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"


	3. Someone to watch over me

**Okay, I finally got to the end of the story, sorry it took so long to post. Poor Saul has already been through so much, and he still has to spend some time with Eddie and Shirley the whiner. Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, they certainly made us smile!**

 **All the cool characters, except for Saul and Father Matt, belong to JE. The mistakes are mine, though.**

On Friday Morning, Father Matt brought Saul to the Gazarra house. He was concerned by the bags under Saul's eyes, but he was pleased to note that he appeared to have put on some weight. Shirley opened the door when they knocked, and led them inside. The house was filled with toys, but was otherwise clean. "I'm sorry about the mess," Shirley whined as she led them to the kitchen, "We're about three toys away from our own episode of Hoarders." Father Matt resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Shirley made the men eggs while they drank their coffee. Saul was surprised by the noise level coming from one of the rooms in the back, but his new hostess seemed to be ignoring it. After she served them their breakfast, she went to the entryway and yelled, "Will you quiet down? We have guests in the house."

She had just sat down when a small girl ran into the room. "EJ caught one of the fish and stuck it up Jimmy's nose."

Shirley closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Letting it out she said, "Will you excuse me for a minute?" and walked out of the room. From somewhere else in the house, they could hear her slightly nasal whine, but they couldn't hear the words that she said.

That night, Saul was already waiting outside by the time Joe showed up. Joe handed him a beer and said, "I heard you met my brother today. If that doesn't earn you a beer, then nothing will."

Saul shuddered. "There were children everywhere running and screaming. It was terrible. Your brother came in, yelled at everyone, and went upstairs. His wife went up and we could hear them yelling at each other before Shirley got everyone outside. Anthony came back out, got into his car and left. Shirley went back inside to talk to Anthony's wife, and the boys used silver tape to attach the youngest Gazarra girl to the side of the house."

Joe took a drink. "I would have left too if I had to put up with both the Gazarra and Morelli kids." He drained his beer and threw the can in the direction of the trash cans. "You ready?"

Saul finished his beer as well. "To the Boobie Bungalow." When they were in the car, Saul said, "I do not think I ever want children."

o0()0o

On Saturday night, Saul was waiting for Joe at the curb, drinking his own beer. As soon as Joe pulled up, Saul jumped in the car and said, "I am NEVER having children. Shirley and Eddie left me with their children. She told me that they were going to run to the store, but they were gone for four hours. She ordered pizza and told me to call the children in when it got there. When I went outside to find them, they were trying to build a bonfire to burn a purple dinosaur doll. After everybody ate, They decided to play hair salon. I did not know what this game was, so I cleaned up the kitchen while they played. When I found them, they had cut not only each other's hair, but the dog's hair as well." Saul shuddered again at the memory. "If this is how children behave, then I don't want any."

Joe put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. "Let me make some calls and see if I can help you."

o0()0o

On Sunday morning, Saul accompanied the Gazarras to church. Father Matt brought Saul to the first pew. Father Matt gave a sermon on keeping faith in the presence of enemies. He talked about helping our fellow man, and the difficulties of finding ones self in a strange land. He finished his sermon by talking to Saul. "We have had our own refugee here. Saul has come from a war torn country. He was separated from his family and his fiancee and is trying to start a new life here. Saul, would you like to say a few words to the congregation?"

Saul walked to the pulpit and looked around the room. He pulled a flask from his pocket and took a sip. When the congregation gasped he said, "It's only tea, I got it from Helen."

There were snickers and sly looks as Helen tried to make herself as small as possible. Angie Morelli muttered, "My behind that's tea."

Saul looked at Angie and said, "At least when Helen talks about people, she only talks about them. She doesn't tattle on people to get special treatment." He pulled down his lower eyelid and looked at Bella, Who began to sputter and cross herself.

Once the commotion died down, Saul began to talk about his journey. "In my village in Syria, there was missionary. He was son of Senator. Very important person back home. He would often tell me, 'Saul, you would love America.' When the fighting started to get close to our village, we all decide to flee. We were getting ready to leave our homes in the middle of night when the soldiers came. Everyone started running. By the time we realize that none of the soldiers were shooting, half of the village was already gone. These men were American soldiers, coming to rescue the missionary, but rather than taking him and leaving, they brought all of us to safety. They eased our fears by telling us stories of their home. I was fascinated by the stories the commanding officer told us about Trenton. He told us that he was fighting to keep his 'Babe' safe. That man is here today, and I want to say thank you, Mr. Ranger. I have had the honor of meeting your Stephanie, and she is as wonderful as you described. I can not stay in Trenton, though, these other people are all crazy." As the congregation gasped in shock, Saul crossed himself. "As soon as I have the Vasectomy that Joe arranged for me at the free clinic, Kitty and I are moving to Las Vegas."

The congregation erupted as Saul walked away from the pulpit. Father Matt buried his face in his hands and muttered, "Why me?"

When Saul got to the vestibule, he saw Ranger and Stephanie standing by the door. Stephanie hugged him and asked, "Are you really moving to Vegas with a stripper that Joe introduced you to?"

Saul nodded. "Yes. I am thinking that it will be much more sane there."

Ranger shook Saul's hand and gave him a business card. "Call if you need anything. I have a guy out there. He can probably help you find a job."

Saul took the card and smiled. "I am going to be an Elvis Impersonator. Kitty says that I already have the moves. Viva Las Vegas!"


End file.
